Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
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My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
“That’s what” – She
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.