Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

[walking somewhere]

My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.