Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
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As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”