me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Why I divorced her.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Bro what is this
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.