Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
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On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
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*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
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I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.