I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Well, this certainly took a turn
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?