Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
is this store having a stroke wtf
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
🛁
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?