Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
this came to me in a vision
![]()
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
![]()
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.