Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!
Thursdays on Fox
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die