@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

@SondraDeeMe

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

@joeheenan

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

@thedad

When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.

@erica_rosie

Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.

@RidiculousSheri

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

@1_swarthy_dude

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

@DoreyZoe

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die