I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in