me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Britain be like
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Chicago sounds lovely.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
boat question
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.