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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise