A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.