My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.