I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then