A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.