The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
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winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
How high do the levels go?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
🤭😂
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands