Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
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While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Strangers have the best candy.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave