Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
How to draw a duck