me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
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Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Great Canadian literature.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.