This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Bootstraps
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*