A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
this is how life feels
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume