@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

You Might Also Like

@Jenny4ashley

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@kristikat7

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

@PaulyPeligroso

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

@JediGigi

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

@Brianhopecomedy

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

@noog

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

@JesseW316

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

@trumpetcake

Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.