@Jenny4ashley Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
@JustASmirk A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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@Jenny4ashley 
@TheAlexP Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
@kristikat7 If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
@PaulyPeligroso To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
@JediGigi [on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
@Brianhopecomedy I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
@noog Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
@JesseW316 You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
@SCBamaMan This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
@trumpetcake Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.