
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.