Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
selena gomez
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.