Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.