Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
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I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
White parent Vs Arab parents
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.