I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
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A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer