[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
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Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.