“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”