From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.