Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
After 35, your body ages in dog years
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.