The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
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[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*