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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Oceanography is all about current events
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.