If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Goodnight 🐶
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums