My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.