I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?