* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one