Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

Aw man, but that’s the best part

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.