* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
welp
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Oceanography is all about current events
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.