Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

today my son asked me if other animals date too and i honestly never thought about that. imagine dating an avoidant bird? every argument, they’d just… fly away.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

me: *having prostate examination*

doc: omg, when was this last wiped?

me: WHAT

doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

The booster protects against what, now?

If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.