Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
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My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
In space, no one can hear…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.