Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Only a mother’s love …
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
work smarter, not harder
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I would move hell over six inches for you
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.