I would move hell over six inches for you
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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Breaking news:
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
That’s amazing.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.