“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
You Might Also Like
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Gods work.