*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
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I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
a fate I wish upon no one
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.