My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
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Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
The first matador
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops