Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Incredible customer service.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth