Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
That’s amazing.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that