Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
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Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist