Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.