Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.