COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
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Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.