If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
This raises questions
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.