You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
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Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
🤭😂
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?