Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You Might Also Like
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
That eye roll….
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied