My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
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“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I’m confused about plants
Try and stop me.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”