I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
It’s an epidemic…
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
🤣✨#caturday
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”